I’ll be doing my ritual tonight, it’s all written and ready.  I’m excited to do this ritual even though I know it’s going to be very emotional for me.  I’m thinking I’ll end up in tears (again) but hopefully it will be a cleansing grief.

I miss you, grandma.

I haven’t written about this yet because it’s something that is hard to get out and so terribly personal that I can’t quite let go of it yet.

Last week my grandmother passed away.  She helped to raise me, my childhood memories are filled with her love, guidance, and wisdom.  There is so much of me that was shaped by her, I can’t even begin to catalogue it.  She was a tough woman, a strong woman, someone who knew their own mind and never wavered.  She always spoke the truth, even if it might not be tactful.  She was prickly, not prone to signs of affection, but she still was able to radiate the deep and unconditional love that she had for her family.

One week after I learned the news, I performed a ritual of passing for her.  Well, I say it was for her but really it was for me.  I needed some sort of closure, I needed to say goodbye, I needed to reaffirm that even though she is gone she will never be forgotten.  My aunt set her memorial to be in October, but I just couldn’t wait that long.  So, ritual.  Which helped a lot more than I was expecting, it helped me to blunt the grief a little and it cleared my head and my emotions some so that I can start thinking about moving beyond her death.  It has brought back my fear that I won’t be able to cope and do what is necessary when my mother’s time come.  It also reinforced what the runes were telling me - every day is a gift.  Don’t waste it.

I was mostly afraid that the family would fall apart, my grandmother was the matriarch and we all fell in line behind her.  She could be stern, she could be hard, but we all knew if we were getting that side of her then we deserved it.  I didn’t think anyone could fill her shoes.  As much as I love my mother (the eldest) I wasn’t sure if she could do it.  Imagine my delight to see that my mom is amazing, she is more than filling my grandmother’s shoes.

Endings.  Which, of course, lead to new beginnings.  One of the ladies in the OWM sent out a notice saying that the New Moon would be in Virgo last night, making it a perfect time to ‘reset’, like we were computer doing a system restore.  My first thought was to restore myself to a time before the grief, when I still had my grandmother.  Impossible.  And even if it weren’t, that is just me being selfish.  My grandmother told me, very clearly, that when it was her time she was ready and would go.  She did just that.  To take that away from her would be cruel.

So I thought about just resetting myself so that I had more of the outlook I had when I was younger.  When everything seemed clearer and I was less worried about what people were thinking in regards to myself.  I find that I self censure too much, I self depreciate, and I don’t know when or why it started.  It’s outdated and unneccessary.  Time for it to go.

For so long I was uncertain where I was going with my spirituality, I wanted to badly to belong to a group and be accepted.  This year alone I have been able to make leaps and bounds in where I want my path to go, I feel very secure with what I’m doing.  At the end of the day I have to be happy with my religious practices, I have to be able to look in the mirror and be at peace with what I see there.  Right now, I am.

I’m moving forward.  I might be moving on alone, I might not.  Acceptance doesn’t mean as much to me right now as it did, not because I want to be alone but because there is some BS I just don’t need.  There needs to be a give and take, not just give.  And maybe being alone isn’t so scary, I think I got so used to ‘hiding in plain sight’ that I don’t know when to stop.  It was a defense mechanism that I learned because being alone means that you’re vulnerable.  But it doesn’t have to be that way and I don’t want that part of my life bleeding over into my spirituality.  Maybe by having some alone time I can heal old traumas.

When the Morrighan said ‘go back to the beginning’ I thought she just meant with what I had learned.  Now I’m thinking that what she meant was a little more… expansive.  I think she might have meant something more along the lines of the moon’s ‘reset button’, where I go back to what I was doing when I was 13 and standing nervous and naked and solitary to perform my self dedication.  Go back to that young girl and see what she knew that I’ve forgotten, then move forward into my adult self but keep the eyes of the child-me.  Or maybe I’m reading too much into it.

Still, two rituals over the previous two nights.  After my mourning ritual I was so tired, I felt physically and mentally exhausted.  After the esbat I felt so wired and charged up it was amazing.  It really was like night and day between the two rituals.  I think the lessons from OWM are really helping as well because they have us working on letting go of negative self image and learning to love ourselves as we are.

I could keep rambling, but I think I’m going to cut this short.  Suffice to say that I’m still in mourning but it isn’t as bad as it was.  I can see the light of a new day, I’m ready to go forward.

I have a kind of odd phenomenon going on with my runes.

For the past week or so I’ve been trying to remember to draw a rune day from the pouch as a kind of barometer of what my day will be like.  So far almost every day I get the same rune - Gifu, meaning ‘gift’, the Rune of Hospitality.  The only times I haven’t gotten it are when someone is going to drive me right up an effing wall, on those days I have gotten Isa and Hagalaz.

Now, I don’t just reach into the pouch and pull out whatever is on top.  Before reaching in I ask ‘What will this day bring to me?’ and while I’m asking this I shake the pouch.  Then I stick my hand in and reach around around until a rune ’sticks’ to my fingers.

So, almost literally, nine times out of ten it has been Gifu.

At first I was thinking that something good would be coming to me (and on the first day someone did give me a rather nice gift) but then I was thinking that can’t be the case.  Now I’m wondering if it isn’t something trite like ‘every day is a gift’.

Anyway, I just wanted to babble about it and now I’ll go to bed. =)

This has been rattling around my skull for a while and I’m still no closer to having any personal answers so I thought I’d babble about it here for a bit and see if it shakes anything loose. =)

I’ve always been frustrated by the fact that there is no clergy training program that is easily accessible for the common pagan.  Yes, there’s Cherry Hill Seminary… but if I could afford college I would be in college.  Yes?  And even with that there isn’t anything that is across the board training.  I’ve seen stuff online that is either ridiculously expensive or just complete crap.  The one program that I though has potential isn’t ‘complete’ and the people running it haven’t progressed with it in, oh, a good fifteen years or so.

And I keep wondering what should be in clergy training.  Honestly, there aren’t many large congregations of pagans that I know of (a few goodish sized groups, but most of up are so disparate that we don’t really ‘cling’ together).

After dealing with the Lunar Grove and RPW, it’s come to my attention that there is a need for clergy counseling, but what should a clergy person know?  There are so many things that might pop up… marital trouble, drug abuse, regular abuse, etc.  I would think that a course or going to a program that teaches you how to be an effective listener and offer useful, constructive advice.  I think that there’s a need to be fair and balanced, especially when dealing with mediating between two people.  You can’t take one side or the other, no matter what the person (or people) might want.

Other than counseling, I think that many people could easily learn how to do rites of passage ands such.  I don’t think that training should necessarily be under the clergy umbrella, just because someone can lead a group doesn’t mean that they’re effective or good teachers.  You’d think that the two would go hand in hand, but you also have to look at the opposite… can every good teacher lead a group?  There’s where I think that ‘no’ would be the answer.

I’m not suggesting that there be a central agency that would ‘certify’ all pagan clergy, but having the not-so-paganish parts well defined so that different path and traditions would have a solid framwork to build off of.  We would know that Part A is this and now that we know that this is how it fits into our specific branch of paganism.  I hope that made sense.

Well, I’m still not any closer to having an answer for myself, but the husband is ready for bed.  G’night!

I am happy to say that all of my old LJ posts have made their way over to this blog now.  That was a lot more work than I bargained for.  Ugh.

However, it has made me re-read some of my older entries and helped to solidify my resolve to keep working on where I’m going.  I know that I’m finally on the track I’m meant to be on, where I can take all the seeming disparate ideas I’ve had until now and work them into a cohesive whole.  It may never be something that anyone else can follow, but I’ve learned from working with the Lunar Grove that I can can split the two down the middle and still be satisfied with what I’m doing.  Woot!

I also realized that I should go back to writing down my thoughts from what I’ve been reading… not only will I have a record of it but I can refresh my memory as to why I thought a certain piece of information was important.

Did Lugnassadh with the Grove, I actually wrote the ritual that was used (I just have to get it up on the BoS).  However, I don’t really have much to say.  The night we did it, I ended up being up until like 5:30 am and was so tired and wrung out that I didn’t write my normal notes on what happened.  Plus there was a lot of drama that just killed me.  I didn’t even realize it, but the Husband noticed that I was acting odd and figured out the root of the problem.  Thank the gods that I have him.  *hugs the Hubby*

What I do remember is that I was nervous and shaky, not because of the ritual I was just overcharged.  I was actually really happy with the ritual and a little nervous about revealing my boy Patron to the group… when I told E. she was rather taken aback by it and I assumed that everyone else would be the same.  Mi., however, was right there with me and he even invoked my boy as well.  *cheers*  How awesome is that?  I dunno if he works with the Lightbringer regularly (mayhap I should ask?) but it was nice to have my Patron not only recognized but thoroughly accepted.  He gets such a bad rap.

We do have a newer member who I think needs some more training and practical work before we toss her into ritual again.  She was very uncomfortable and stiff during the ritual and I know that she wasn’t feeling the flow of it.  I hope that E. takes A. under her wing and gives her the guidance that A. needs.  Otherwise I doubt that A. will stick around.

G. and T. are absolutely wonderful to have in a ritual setting.  Next one I want to do with G. to my right and T.  to my left, then I can be cocooned between them.  *nods*  Yep, that’s the way I am.

My. is coming into her own it seems.  She has a very gentle presence, but this time it was very steady throughout.  I think she does better when she isn’t in the spotlight, just because the control isn’t always there… but I’d say that eventually she’ll be able to take center stage and really shine.

Other than that, I only have fleeting impressions of the ritual.  I know that E. was pretty pissed at me at one point, but I can’t control the cards nor how I feel about certain aspects of her life.  I think that subconsciously she was hoping for a personal reading, a sure sign of where to go.  Which she got, but I don’t think she liked it.  I’m doing my best to distance myself from all of that though, otherwise I’ll end up curled up under the covers and refusing to come out.

My harvest is definitely very ‘me’ centered this year.  I’m finally on the right path with where I want to go spiritually, I’m so lucky to have Michael and even luckier to realize it, and my relationship with my mom has only gotten better and stronger.  I’m also grateful for the Lunar Grove finding me as it is helping to solidify some of the vaguer ideas I had.  All in all, a bountiful harvest. =)

I’m still progressing with my spirituality, but it’s slowed down some.  I have to start reading again and trying to fit the puzzle pieces of my path together.  Which may be harder than I think soon, we’re in limbo again as to what is going on in RL.  I can’t help but hope for one thing while knowing that it probably won’t happen.  *sigh*  Still, I’m ready and whatever will happen will happen.

I hope everyone had a blessed first harvest!

I was pointed in the direction of the Order of the White Moon by an LJ friend of mine and decided to give it a shot so that I could reconnect to the Goddess and as part of my dedication to go back to the source and start learning. When I entered into paganism, I was very Goddess-centric and I think in some ways I need to get back to that. Not because I think that’s a better system but because I think it will help me to heal myself.

Anyway, part of the first assignment was to create a Goddess Box, a place to keep wishes and secrets, fears and worries, hopes and desires. You write whatever it is on a slip of paper and place it in the Box and into the Goddess’ capable hands. I thought it was a great idea as there are some things that I want to offer up to Deity and let it go until I can handle it.

I didn’t do much to box other than paint the top and the inside. The box itself is the same one that E. gave to me on Midsummer. I wasn’t sure what to do with it, but it seems that the Universe was setting me on the path even then. =)

Before I started on the box I was re-introduced to Maat, an Egyptian Goddess. When I read about her they almost always mention that she is the judge of souls when we die. Our heart is placed on a scale and on the other side Maat places her feather. If our heart is heavier than the feather then we were more evil than good in this life. Maat is said to have a very heavy feather. She is also listed as the consort of Thoth.

I decided to incorporate Maat’s feather and the heart into the box, partially to show that I hope I’m leading a good life and also to show that I’m trying to get in touch with my true heart and the will of the Goddess. I decided on a peacock feather with the heart as the center of the eye.

The front of the box. I didn’t do much to this other than add some gold embellishment to the swirly parts on the sides.

Now for the inside! I painted it all purple because that is a color I associate with the Goddess. The dedication that is written inside is from the school, I didn’t write it. I did embellish it with the triple moon.

And a close up of the dedication on the lid:

Well, I only did one this time… I was thinking about doing a simple solitary one with my normal bit of purification but I didn’t.  Bad witch.  I did do ritual with the Lunar Grove, E. wrote it and it was rather long and complicated.  I know, right?  Just the way I like it. *grin*  This was a little different from what I used to do with long rituals which, really, only makes sense since G. and E. wrote it.  Yes?

Before I go into any detail I have just one thing to say.  BOYS!  We had men in ritual again and it was wonderful.  I absolutely adore having men in ritual, especially when they have nice deep voices that just cut through everything in ritual and make me feel so grounded.  I’d like it if a few more men joined the Grove but even if they don’t T. and M. did an amazing job.  I gave them both hugs after the ritual because I was just so happy.

Before we all entered the Circle, E. and G. had set up a Shinto style purification with water and two bowls.  The idea being that you use a dipper to pour water over your hands and then rinse your mouth out with water in purification.  I thought it was an awesome idea. =)

This Midsummer was a foil for Yule, so the Oak and Holly Kings fought with the Holly King slaying his brother and preparing us for the dark half of the year.   M. was the Oak King and T. was the Holly King.  M. was our Goddess and I think that she might have preferred the roles to be reversed… it certainly would have made the Great Rite interesting.  *wink*  E. suggested that the roles be filled the way they were and I think she was right to do so.  M. is new to Wiccan rituals, his path (if I remember correctly) more Ceremonial and Chaos magic.

As for the rest of the roles… E. was the High Priestess, G. was our Quarter caller, A. was our purifier, C. was the Maiden, and yours truly was the Sun God.  *laughs*  Ore wa!  *laughs harder*  E. had said that she kind of wanted either G. or I (or is it ‘me’… grammar you are failing me!) to play the Goddess.  My vote was with G. because while I can technically execute it, I think someone who actually is fertile should represent the Goddess at Midsummer.  However, it was M. who wanted to role and while I think she might have had a little trouble with drawing down the Goddess energy and holding on to it, she still did a really good job.  As always, it’s the little things; M. just felt more grounded about half way through the Charge of the Goddess and her voice changed and became lighter and higher.

T. pulled down the God with no problem what-so-ever.  I think he was a little unsure of himself in the role but that could have been because we’re still finding our footing as a group and I don’t know if he’s ever worked with a group before.  His voice changed a lot, going much deeper and getting a low rumble to it.   If he likes group work I think he would make an excellent ritual leader.

As I mentioned before, I was the Sun God.  My only real role was to dance with the Goddess, which was fun even if I am a graceless klutz at times.  I didn’t feel very masculine while doing it, but I did feel very androgynous… which is probably a good thing.  If I had written this I might have combined the Sun God role with one of the Kings, I think that might have carried the symbolism through better.  The dance happens before the Oak & Holly Kings fight, so perhaps it could have been the Oak King dancing with the Goddess and blessing the land before he is slain by his brother, the Holly.

There was a cool bit of re-enactment as the boys had wooden swords and both are trained to use them.  I wish we could have done the ritual outside so they really would have had the space to do some sparring, but even the limited amount they could do indoors was really damn cool.

I have to say, even after a few rituals, I don’t get how Gardnerians do cakes and wine.  I’mma just gonna sit in the corner and be baffled for a bit.

After ritual was over, E. and G. had prepared a Midsummer feast for us.  OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!  There was tuna salad, salad, fruit salad, and pizza with mushrooms and spinach.  Oh, man was it good!  I didn’t have any pizza because the salads were so damn nummy I was more than happy to nom on those.  The fruit salad was delicious with plums, mangos, strawberries, cherries, and I think there was something else in there.  But, dude.  Talk about delicious.

As the last order of business for the evening M. and C. were offered membership in the Grove.  I know that M. accepted but I think C. is taking some time to think about it.  If I remember correctly she’s newer to paganism and I really applaud her for taking her time to make a decision.  Even through the Grove isn’t a coven, I think that people should really take their time before joining with a group.  It gets easier to tell when things are wonky as you get more experience and too many people who are new to group work get burned and then don’t want to do it again.  I’m really lucky in that my early group experience was in a setting with my first teacher, so I knew I wasn’t getting into anything detrimental.

Yosh!  Now I can’t wait for the next sabbat!

So, I’m part of a group called the Lunar Grove (thelunargrove.com) and we meet for discussions and occasionally do ritual. Well, for ritual we tend to have a section where we dance, sing, and make merry… usually with instruments. Well, we don’t have much in the way of noise makers and being cheap bitches (and bastards) I decided to help our cause along by making one.

It started with a snack canister that I poured some rice into and sealed the top. Then I covered the whole thing in paper mache. For the glue mixture I added some blue paint so that I would have less work to do later on for it.

Once the paper mache dried I used more of the watercolor paint to make stripes in magenta, violet, and green. I wanted it to look kind of ‘watery’ so I let the paint drip down the sides some. Once the paint was dry I glued glass ’stones’ around the ends, the colors are aqua, blue, green, and red.

The final product:

On one end I painted a sun for the God:

And on the other end is a triple moon for the Goddess:

It’s a little hard to see, but the Goddess end is more blue and the God end is more green. I had planned on tinting both ends green, but blue seemed more fitting for the Goddess.

I still have to find a clear coating to ensure that the glass stones won’t fall off and the paint won’t wear off, but all in all I think that it’s a successful project.

…but I know I’m going the right way.

I don’t know if it was fate, Deity, or the Universe but something put the idea in my head to buy a book on alchemy.  Like most things that seem destined in my life, I kept putting it off.  I solidly believed that it was silly mumbo-jumbo about turning lead into gold and wouldn’t be relevant to my path or interests.

WRONG!

Obviously I eventually broke down and bought a book.  I’m about 1/3 of the way through it and I’m enamoured.  Seriously.  Alchemy is something very different from what I thought it was… not only does it offer ideas that I haven’t come across before but it also just flows and blends well with the belief system that I have been creating around myself for the past few years.  It also helps to explain some of the hows and whys of Neo-Paganism that I didn’t have answers for before.

I also learned that when one of my Patron’s tell me something, there is probably a good reason.  The Morrighan insisted that I go back to the beginning, relearn what I already know.  So, I kind of balked at first but gave in relatively quickly (for me).  And,  yes, She was right.  Not only am I seeing where some of my good and bad habits (in regards to my spirituality) came from, I’m also getting answers to some things that have been frustrating me about Neo-Paganism in general.

All of which means that I may not know where this path is going to take me, but I know that it’s the right one.  This is what I’ve been searching for since I started becoming dissatisfied with Wicca.  I needed more clear cut answers and the ability to know more about the structure of what I was basing my beliefs on.  Druidry gave me a starting point, seeing that Wicca has had a huge impact on Neo-Paganism and it’s OK to keep the things that work from that.  Being a different branch of pagan doesn’t make what I did before invalid.  Nor does it mean that there will be no carry over.  There are bits of Wicca that are firmly embedded in modern Neo-Paganism… and I’m OK with that.

Finally I feel like I can sit down and start structuring things again, that I have come to the point that once I’ve learned a bit more I will have the knowledge and ability to create something that will be fulfilling and true to my spiritual nature.

It’s kind of a relief, I was starting to think that I was going to be drifting aimlessly forever.  Learning new concepts and adding dibs and dabs to an already weak foundation of knowledge.  But now I know that I’ve found what I need to strengthen that foundation and create a framework that will last and continue to be useful to what my spirituality needs to grow and continue to fulfill my needs.